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Update May 2019: I am doing much better. To make a very long story short, our wounds have healed; all of this has become much easier to deal with, we have come out of these struggles stronger, and we have a new dog, whom we love very much. The original song information is below.
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Full title:
The Lord Has Dealt Very Bitterly with Me - An 11 Part Prayer of Anger
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Yes, I am still a Christian. I'm just angry and hurting right now.
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This song was mostly written on impulse, I don't remember which specific points start which specific parts of the song.
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The parts are called:
1) Lord, I'm Undone
2) Comfort Me in Divine Darkness
3) Shedding Emotional Blood
4) This Void I Call My Life
5) Why, Lord?
6) Bitter Tears I Can't Cry
7) Cut Me or I'll Cut Myself
8) Anguish Everywhere
9) Hurting
10) This World Needed More of Him, Why Would You Take Him???
11) This World Flows by Me like a River... Why Am I Always Alone?
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This song is related to the loss of our dog, but I don't feel right "dedicating" this song to him. This song doesn't reflect what our dog was about. In these last hours of his life, I really doubt he wants me to spend them angry at God. While I certainly feel he is worthy of a tribute song and may consider one (if my heart can even take it), this song is pure emotional venting and prayer to God, and not meant to be said tribute.
lyrics
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"Do not call me Naomi, but call me Mara, for the Lord Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me..." (Ruth 1:20)
What have you done, Lord?!
Why don't you answer?!
Why do You let this bitterness continue?!
I am so tired
And still You don't answer!
You brought nothing but bitterness on this whole situation
(?) suffer (?)
Mental and physical ailments take me down
Will there be no reprieve from this exhaustion?!
I've been hurting for so long and all this (?)
AND NOW YOU TAKE THE ONLY ONE I HAD LEFT!
(?) MY FRIENDS AWAY AGAIN!
SHEDDING EMOTIONAL BLOOD
ONLY CAUSE I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO CUT
WHY DON'T YOU DELIVER ME FROM THIS?!
WHY?!
(?) this world... is just one abyss... after another...
Walking alone... he brought me back down... to what was left of reality...
Why does it have to feel this hollow?
24 years of this void
He was the only one I could trust
WHAT IS IT YOU HAVE DONE?!
WHY HAVEN'T YOU ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS?!
ARE YOU SOVEREIGN OR AREN'T YOU?!
BRING US RELEASE!
(?)
(?) myself
(?) loneliness
(?) black shadows
DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING
(?)
I can't take it anymore
YOU KNOW HOW BROKEN I AM!!!
HOW BROKEN I'VE BEEN ALL THESE YEARS!!!
Break me or I'll break myself
Cut me or I'll cut myself
Heal me or I'll kill myself
(Clean vocals, can't understand any of them)
This world... needed more of him...
Why (?)
HE WAS OUR ONLY REPRIEVE
IS IT YOUR INTENT TO TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING THAT BRINGS US ANY JOY AT ALL?!
Cause that's sure all You've been doing!
It's sure all You've been doing...
ARE YOU SATISFIED THAT THIS IS MY TESTIMONY TO THE WORLD?!
THESE YEARS OF FAITHFUL FOLLOWING, TO BE HURT
In the midst of all this
I know You are sovereign
Still I believe there's a reason behind all this
Will You ever reveal this to us?
Or leave us in misery?
I (?)
So I may (?)
Why it seems to be (?)
Help me (?)
Just leave her alone
Everything leading up to this
It all (?) my spirit (?)
(?)
(?) work with me at all
I'm not perfect
I can't deal with this
I'm breaking
If You care,
Let (?)
IF YOU ARE TRULY FAITHFUL, THEN RESTORE US!!!!!!!
credits
released December 6, 2018
license
all rights reserved
